i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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