her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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