I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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