He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize
