Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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