he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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