he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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