Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
