Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
