why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
