Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
