it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
