i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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