So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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