so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
