I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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