My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
