He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize