I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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