btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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