Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
