peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
