Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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