so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
