just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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