She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
