apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
