she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
