i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
