The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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