The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
