just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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