I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
