the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
