margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
