You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
