I smell stomach acid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
