Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
