I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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