My friends, they love my intelligence
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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