My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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