she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
