Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
