You made me cry and you don't even care
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
