haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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