About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
