i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Come see our sink grown plant.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
