I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dignity is for republicans.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
