I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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