i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
