Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
