Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
