nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
