I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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