Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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