i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Text me some of your sweat
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
