This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
