I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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