she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
