Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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