I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
