If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
