Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
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